What you gave me

There are plenty of feelings worse than fretting restlessness. However, my entire body and brain has been knocked to the ground and the last 24 hours have been a productive hell in which despite all the checkmarks on my to do lists, I've gotten nothing done. Instead of feeling exhilarated and brilliant, I feel dull and dumb. And yet so on edge. The tired mind and caffeinated nerves. Woke at four-thirty. I never sleep any more, I stress the day & night away.

This makes me feel a bit better? Or not?

After the eighth morning I seek

and find

Again and again I aim straight

into the impossible The dogs bark

and around it all goes

What you gave my thoughts is pure

confusion, balance that's uncertain/

certain

What you gave me is all the impossible

My passion: to go further.

"TEXT/variabilities/8" Inger Christensen

Except it doesn't do what it should do, on its own. Christensen is like nice enough individual pictures that pieced together make a breathtaking puzzle. Better still, a kaleidescope, diamonds in a house of mirrors, infinitely reflecting, collapsing and expanding stars in the universe. If I were in a better mood you might give my thoughts "the insanity/ of feelings" or "the closeness/ of absence" or something so far from the variabilities of text...

There is a world of difference between breathtaking, breathless and being winded, exhausted.

My PDP/PLP depresses me. Think ahead 5 years. Okay: I want poetry and love. Maybe a dog. And its not just now. In January talking work with PH: where do you want to go, he asked and all I could think of was "Helsinki?"