Wednesday, March 20, 2013

My life lacks what, in lacking you


Discovered Gjertrud Schnackenberg, thanks to, what else, Poetry Foundation.  Here, an excerpt from "Sonata" though the whole thing ought to be read.

Development

I dreamed that an encyclopedia
Opened before my eyes and there I found   
Analogies to sort of stack around
My what-is-life-without-you-here idea:

Like nous detached from Anaxagoras,   
Like cosmic fire glimmering without   
A Heraclitus there to find it out,
Like square roots waiting for Pythagoras,   
Like One-ness riven from Parmenides,   
Like Nothing without Gorgias to detect it,   
Like paradox sans Zeno to perfect it,   
Like plural worlds lacking Empedocles,   
Like Plato’s chairs and tables if you took   
The furniture’s Eternal Forms away,   
Objects abandoned by Reality
Still look the same, but look the way things look   
When I behold my life without you in it:   
A screwy room where chairs and tables lack   
Dimension from the front, the side, the back,   
Like finity without the infinite,
Where tea parties are held without the Hatter,   
It’s like a single point withdrawn from Space,   
It’s like a physicist who cannot trace   
The ultimate constituents of matter—

There is no evidence Matter exists.
Thus do I introduce Theme Number Two.   
And I can’t prove it, but I know it’s true:   
The physical eludes the physicists.
They’ve chased down matter past atomic rings   
Into small shadows, and they’ve lost it there.   
It seems that they can’t find it anywhere.   
They stalk imaginary floating things
Like amateurish lepidopterists
Round babbling brooks and mossy fairy knolls.   
Their net strings map out squares of empty holes.   
Behold them snatching something in their fists:   
Their fingers uncurl, cautious, on the sight   
Of Nothing crushed against the sweaty hand.   
But then I’m prejudiced, you understand.   
Not everyone on earth believes I’m right.   
But lest you think I’m kidding, or perverse,   
I went to hear a Lecture just last year
About some things which I hold very dear:   
The smallest pieces of the universe.
The Lecturer referred to them as Quarks.   
He seemed impervious to the mystery   
Surrounding their invisibility.
I asked, when he concluded his remarks,   
“But are Quarks physical?”
                                        You’d think that he
Were someone nearly martyred and I’d said   
Our duty’s to die peacefully in bed.
He took his glasses off and blinked at me.
Were I John Milton, I would now destroy   
This moment of high drama and deploy   
A thirty-line Homeric simile.
But I’m not Milton, nor was meant to be.   
He put his glasses on, and said, “Of course.”

Now, I may be the south end of a horse,   
But logically and analogically,
And physically, and metaphysically,
And, if it gets to that, religiously,
And absolutely scientifically,
I don’t believe that Quarks can pass the test   
Of Being There, and since they’re fundamental,
Why, then, the world’s a dream, and dreams are mental,   
And since in mental matters East or West   
I need you for this dream’s interpretation—

Stop looking at your watch, for I’ve divined,   
With these two themes uncomfortably combined,   
It’s time now for the Recapitulation.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Restless

All I should care about today is fact that I haven't really cleaned the apartment in 11 days and it is currently covered in a layer of cat hair and my own ridiculous hair.

Unfortuantely, the last few hours have been drinking coffee & reading La vie aux aguets (William Boyd's Restless translated) in bed. Until I reach the end of the book, I don't forsee any changes to the situation.


Fur covered laundry and floors will always rank behind stories about lady spies.


Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Departures & Futures




Blond's last night in town started as a low-key late night drink while doing laundry/packing/watching The Walking Dead affair. Suddenly it was 5 am and 4 people had drunk two bottles of rum.

A hungover day of obligations & last minute errands until one last mid-afternoon nap, listening to The Irrepressibles.  You & me, ever changing, moving on now, moving fast.  Then the airport, coffee & killing time & kissing. Stoic until he was past security, then sudden sobbing that left me disoriented & hiccupping.

Four months to go. Airport coffeeshop lazy discussing plans for the summer, when I'm back, gardening & cooking & gigs lined up.  The future is uncertain, but the future could be nice. Until then, plans for tonight are binging on frozen mini-eclairs and episodes of The Tudors. Most of my sadness can be cured by pastry & history.  Throwing myself into work, studying, staying social, pilates, poetry.  Soon the weather will be warm, soon I can go running. Soon the weather will be warm, soon it will be July.


Sunday, March 3, 2013

March


Very blessed that the last night was

  • sitting in a beautiful church with beautiful friends from wonderful job
  • listening to amazing music by friend's husband & my Blond
  • walking through warm winter with friends & musicians
  • drinking & eating & laughing loudly & talking heatedly late into the night